Feeling Frustrated

The title does a good job of telling you how I am feeling. Frustrated. We got another bi-weekly update. There was a referral of a toddler girl. Don't get me wrong all referrals are WONDERFUL (small and hesitant but) no boys. Almaz the director is going on vacation for a few weeks. Do I think she deserves a vacation? Absolutely. Is now the perfect time for a vacation? Yes. But no Almaz means no referrals. I am frustrated that I was given an incling of hope being told that referrals slow but don't stop when it is likely they will be stopped for most or all of September. False hope makes everything more difficult. I am also starting to think if no big chance of referrals in September then that takes us to October. The courts open in October and I wanted my file to be there. With everyday that passes without our file at the court, we are one day closer to a Christmas without our baby - the real reason we decided to start this process in January. I didn't want a Christmas knowing our baby is in Africa without us and that fear grows a little more every day. Now it looks like October might be referral month for us. October 8th will mark 6 months on the waiting list. We were always quoted a wait time of 4-6 months on the waiting list. I had reason to believe it would be much shorter than that since the families before us had much shorter wait list times. Now I am wondering if it is even possible for AGCI to give us a referral in the time frame they quoted. I mean if they don't have the paperwork, it is out of their control. And if they DO have the paperwork, well, holding out is just cruel. We have monthly phone calls next week. We will find out if the family who went back to the top of the list was one of the families who got their referral a few weeks ago. I am hoping for an official #1 and a reassurance that we will receive a referral in the time frame we were quoted (by Oct. 8th). I am also being cautious of how discouraging false hope is and trying to be realistic that it might be 7 months for our referral and 2009 before we have our baby.

I was too sad to be able to write in a journal last night and I really want documentation of the good and the bad. I have a feeling we will only choose to remember the good when we have our baby - which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I want him to know that we longed for him and ached for him. I want him to know that tears were shed with each disappointing day like yesterday when our prospects of being with him seemingly slipped to a further distant date.

I also don't want to end a post sounding, once again, like Eeyore. So we got the nursery 95% painted. Brian is going to cut in a second coat close to the ceiling and then we will be done. It looks just like I always imagined :) I am now starting to gather some things for the walls. The only other piece of furniture we want to get is a small bookcase. We are getting closer! I hope to have it looking good enough for pictures in the next couple weeks.

And I found someone who can use all my baby bottles for their own fundraiser. I have been saving them for I don't know what and if I want to start getting the nursery closet ready then I need to get my boxes full of empty bottles out of there. I am so glad it worked out that someone else could use them!

What We've Been Up To

So when I first started the blog I made a rule that this adoption blog was strictly going to be about our adoption. Well, things are slow on the adoption front. I have decided to break my own rule although I can loosely tie this post into our adoption journey. So, here's what we've been up to while we wait (sometimes patiently, sometimes not so much) for our referral...

We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary on August 14th. We went out to a really nice dinner and just had a great evening together.

We had my graduation party Saturday night. It was a wonderful celebration of a goal I wanted to accomplish pre-baby!

We have been having fun "practicing" with our family friends who have 5 kiddos. On Friday I gave my first official made-up-off-the-top-of-my-head bed time story. I thought it was a sad first attempt but my storytelling services were requested again the next night so I guess the audience thought I did ok. I also got some tooshie-wiping practice. Certainly not a new experience seeing as how I am the oldest of five and have done my fair share of babysitting - but it had been a couple years :)

We also took our baby blankie to Home Depot and bought some paint samples for the nursery. We decided on Rapture Blue. I am so glad we ended up liking that more than "Cinderella's Dress" for our little boy's room. I think we are going to paint tomorrow! I will post photos once the nursery is closer to complete.

#1 Take 2?

We received our e-mail update from our agency and found out there were some referrals in the past couple weeks. With a couple of infant girls referred, there is a strong possibility that the couple ahead of us could have received a referral after we heard we were #2 in line. Of course this is all speculation and will remain unofficial until the first week in September. Unless of course we get a referral between now and then. Possible but not probable. But for now I will choose to think that we are in fact AGAIN # and could still get a referral in time to have our paperwork at the courts when they re-open on Oct. 1. I am feeling very ready for the next phase in our adoption process. I am over the counting, the lists, the speculation. With each bump the excitement becomes less of a bubbling-over feeling and more of a deep underlying anticipation. What difference does it really make if we are #1 or #2? We've been on this wait list, waiting to learn who our son is for 18 weeks! When we started this process in January I truly believed we would be in Ethiopia right now. Holding our baby. I was not supposed to be sitting here in mid-August wondering if we are still #2 or back to #1 or if we will have our baby boy at Christmas. I find myself feeling frustrated yet trying desperately to cling to the knowledge that God is soveriegn and His plan is a perfect one.

Although I may become annoyed with the waiting and the numbers, I have a hope and a promise that is bigger than our silly wait list. I ache to be with our son. To know his face. To hear his name. To hold him. I find myself being comforted only by the promises we have in Christ. He has a specific plan for our family - a good and perfect plan. So regardless of whether we are #1 or #2 we continue waiting for His plan to be revealed.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:23-24

So Sad

We just got our official numbers and found out we are #We were correct in our counting and had been #1 but because of some very difficult circumstances our numbers changed. A baby with special needs recently passed away. The family matched with this baby went back onto the waitlist at the top, bumping us to #2. Please pray for this family as they grieve the loss of a child and prepare their hearts for another.

We still might get a referral during the court closure. It all depends on how much paperwork was processed before the closure. We are trying to mentally and emotionally prepare for the possibility of not receiving a referral until the courts re-open in October. We just really have no idea.

On a more positive note some families just got back from picking up their children. Check out their blogs: Sharon, Karen, and Liz. They have fun photos and stories! The number of babies at Hannah's Hope leads us to believe that our son is born and currently being very well taken care of at HH. We have gone through this process day-dreaming about the many "what-ifs." One of the things we would talk about is "I wonder if our baby is born yet?" We don't know who he is or when he was born but we do know where he is right now. Too bad we aren't allowed to catch the next flight to Ethiopia!