Well, it's been four months. Four months! Brian thinks it has gone by fast. I think it feels like we've had Elias all 10 months of his little life. He fits in so well. We are very much in love. Today I wrote a letter. It was a letter to Elias' birthmother. It wasn't as emotional as the first one. I actually wrote this one without crying. I also included a page of questions that I wanted to ask during our meeting but didn't have the heart to due to the high emotion of the event.
I also included a second photo album for her. I just can't imagine wondering and I didn't want her to be in that position. When she first met us the very first thing she asked is if she could have our address because she wanted us to write. I hope that means she will be excited to receive my letter and photos, that she will be receptive to continuing to keep communication and that she will answer the questions I have about Elias' history.
I thought I could just send off this package and wait patiently. I find myself wondering if I will ever hear back from her. Will she get it? Will HH be able to find her? Will she care enough to pick it up? Will I ever know? Will she write back? Will she answer the questions? If I never hear from her should I send more photos and another letter?
I thought it would be different. I thought I would put the package in the mail and more or less forget about it. I haven't forgotten. I've been in a state of pondering and questioning all day.
I feel vulnerable. I am setting myself up for a huge disappointment. What are the chances that I can actually maintain contact with Elias' birthmother for years and be able to offer him the opportunity as a young man to meet her? If I am being honest about my expectations and the desires of my heart that is what I hope for. Why am I letting myself go there? She doesn't have a mailing address or even a street address. They don't exist in Ethiopia. I know her name, her city and her phone number. Chances are she'll move at some point and who knows if the phone number I have will work. What if she changes her mind and never wants to talk to us again? I want to protect my son but I also hope for him that he has the opportunity to make the choice about whether or not he wants to speak with her or meet her. I just don't want life circumstances to choose for him.
I am feeling so emotionally charged. I feel nervous, anxious, excited, hopeful, and very vulnerable. All these emotions have led to another place of pondering... if I feel this way, so hopeful and vulnerable, how is Elias going to feel?
I hope I get a letter back...
6 comments:
I just did the same thing last week. So complicated, so many unknowns. Don't you just want to hop a plane to Ethiopia right now and meet face-to-face again? I too have so many questions for them. I'll pray your letter makes it's connection- I'm sure she'll keep checking in with HH even if she moves.
I have hope for you and Erin. Sitina and I don't have the same option, so our prayers are with you especially. So many questions I have; that she may have one day. I do hope for you and B and E, that she'll maintain your gracious contact and know the love you've offered to her and to darling little E. Hugs from the East coast.
Dear Autumn,
I have been blessed by reading your blog over the last few months. My husband and I are adopting a boy and a girl from Ethiopia, and we're trying to learn all we can from other families who have gone before us. I'm certain I would have the same questions that you have if I were in your position. I'm reading a book right now by Elizabeth George called, "Loving the Lord with All Your Mind". In it, she focuses a lot on Philippians 4:8 (Focusing on what is true-what is"real"-focusing on the here and now) I tend to look backward and forward and forget to focus on the things of "now". She goes on to say to not ask the "What ifs" because they're not true. God will give you grace you need. He promises that. And Jesus also tells us to be anxious for nothing, but with thanksgiving give Him our prayers and petitions.
Thoughts and prayers for you,
Angie Laubach
Pennsylvania
To answer your question you left on my blog: we are not sure how to pronouce Fikrte's name but this is how Almaz said it - Fe kirt a. We also met an Ethiopian mom in the airport when we came home and she had a daughter with the same name and pronouced it the same way. I also heard it with an "e" sound on the end as well, but we use the "a" sound on the end of her name. Hope this helps.
Autumn I am so sorry. This has got to be really agonizing for you. The unknown can be really hard Especially when it comes to your baby!
Praying you hear something.
My husband and I adopted our fifth child, a daughter, from Guatemala in 2002. We have successfully maintained contact with her birthmother. We have the same sort of issue with an address for her...we know a town and a phone number of a friend to get in touch with her and she has a phone number of one of my friends to get in touch with us. We had someone meet her and take her home to take pictures of where she lives and sort of how to get there...however the ball stays in her court to let us know where she is since there is no public record. God ultimately decides the timing and if the union can coexist between us mommies...both the ones who grew our babies in our hearts and the special ones who grew them under theirs. My daughter at 6 yrs old wanted to meet her birthmom. We talked and prayed and decided if she wanted to meet her, we would take her to Guatemala to do just that. Last December, she met the special lady who gave birth to her. It was not more or less than it should have been. It answered her questions and it made her two mommies very happy. Where God guides, He provides. If it is His will that you are to maintain this relationship, He will make a way.
Blessings!
April
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