Last week I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. This is a cancer of the lymphnodes. I have numerous masses in my neck and chest. Hodgkin's in common in people in their 20s and 30s. Obviously for anyone in that age range being diagnosed with cancer is a complete shock and something you never think will happen to you. It is especially true for me as no one in my family has ever had cancer.
Hodgkin's is curable but you do have to be aggressive in treatment. The typical treatment regiment is 4-6 months of intensive chemotherapy (given every 2 weeks via IV at the hospital) and radiation. My situation is a little bit different though. I am 15 weeks pregnant. Many of the normal medications they would have given to me, the normal scans they would have done, and the normal treatment are all complicated by the fact that there is another life involved in this journey.
We feel so blessed that God allowed us to conceive when He did as chemotherapy can often make people sterile. We are also blessed by the fact that God has brought Dr.'s into our lives who are willing to fight to keep us both safe, something not all Dr.'s would do. Finally we are feeling blessed that God prevented us from moving to Ethiopia this summer to serve on the mission field as that would have meant a far longer journey to diagnosis and also that we would have been apart from our families during this time when we all really need eachother.
So, how are we doing? This has been really tough on my family. It has been hard for my parents, siblings, extended family, and especially hard for my husband. Children are very aware when things are not completely right but I am happy that so far Elias has been affected very little by all of this. He still tackles his Mommy, expects me lug all 28ish pounds of him around, and generally has no idea anything is wrong. I am happy that he will have no memory of all of this except for what we choose to share with him later in life. I am ok. And that's not just some lame answer...I am truly doing okay with all of this.
We had one biopsy done that came back "very suspicious" for Hodgkin's. It then took 8 more days and another biopsy to get the confirmed diagnosis. During that time I had my melt downs. The wait was awful. To know you probably have cancer but not be able to do anything about it because it isn't for sure - that was the WORST. Since the diagnosis I have been relieved. We can fight now. We can get treatment now. We can start taking the road that will put all of this behind us.
I'm sure I'll have my bad days but for now God is keeping me strong. He is keeping me happy. He is keeping His purpose in my mind at all times. I have a personal goal...to walk in to every appointment with a smile and walk out of every appointment with a smile. It isn't going to be easy but if I can manage that then people will SEE a difference in my life and I hope that someone or many people will be able to see a little bit of Jesus in me. Now once I get to the car I start venting to my Mom or Brian :) but I want the people who don't know me to see the hope and joy that I truly have in this situation - the hope and joy that can only come through knowing Jesus.
What happens next? I have weekly appointments with the oncologist, weekly blood work, and many appointments with different specialists in between. I am still working (for now). I can still take care of my child (although I get very very tired). I can still live normally. The frustrating part for me is because this is a "rare" disease (12,000 people per year) and because it is especially "rare" to be pregnant during Hodgkin's (published research is on only a couple of dozen cases worldwide) - the story of what comes next is always changing. On 10/22 I was diagnosed. On 10/22 I was told chemo would start next week. 5 days later I was told no chemo yet. In the meantime my sister bought a one way ticket home from Ethiopia because the plan was for her to come home once chemo started because we would really need her. On Tuesday I was told I would be starting a steroid this week...still no steroid. That's the frustrating part for me. I get mentally prepared for something and then it changes. And then it happens all over again. But the reason why it is always changing is because the Dr.'s want to do as little possible for as long as possible to keep my child alive and safe - how can I be mad about that? I'm a planner. I'm not so good with rolling with the punches. But really that is what the next year of my life is going to be. We will most likely start a low dose chemo soon. Once the baby is delivered I will most likely then need to have the full Hodgkin's regiment (4-6 months intensive chemo)..
This is very private for our family and very serious. Unfortunately what we are finding is that people like to gossip. Human nature feeds off of "big news" like this. Many people have taken liberties in sharing our very private news with many people. Some people have even taken liberties and shared this news on Facebook. To us its unbelievable because its so personal and deeply private. But since sometimes people let us down we figured we wanted the people we know and love to hear it from us first. So if it's going to be out there either way we would rather it come from us.
We appreciate all the love and support we have received.
Love,
Autumn (and Brian)
We have created a private blog to keep family and friends up to date. If you would like access you can email me privately for permission at autumn underscore gossett at yahoo dot com.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
it doesn't get much better
Yesterday we spent the day at Disneyland. We had an awesome time celebrating Alemu's birthday. (more pictures to come). For the first time I actually heard my son squeal with delight. We were walking and all of the sudden Elias let out a high pitch scream and pointed to a giant bouquet of balloons. This was after earlier in the day when he had tried to take a balloon off another kid's stroller.
My son was so happy and excited. He really really wanted a balloon. So like a good Mommy at a magical place like Disneyland I walked over to buy him one. Then I saw it. The sign that said,
As Israel would say, "WHAT ZA HECK!" $12 for a balloon. Technically I guess it was 2 balloons because it was a Mickey balloon inside another balloon. Anyway, the worst part is I actually still considered buying it for him. The good news is, Brian had all the money.
Today is Monday which is Elias' day with his Papi. Here is the picture I saw while at work. He got a balloon after all.
My son was so happy and excited. He really really wanted a balloon. So like a good Mommy at a magical place like Disneyland I walked over to buy him one. Then I saw it. The sign that said,
"BALLOONS $12"
As Israel would say, "WHAT ZA HECK!" $12 for a balloon. Technically I guess it was 2 balloons because it was a Mickey balloon inside another balloon. Anyway, the worst part is I actually still considered buying it for him. The good news is, Brian had all the money.
Today is Monday which is Elias' day with his Papi. Here is the picture I saw while at work. He got a balloon after all.
It doesn't get much better than a little boy and his balloon.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Baby #2
Well, as it turns out baby #2 really does exist. When the nausea faded (yeah!) about 2 weeks earlier than "normal" I was a little worried. Then I started having nightmares that we went to the ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat. This started happening after the appointment with my midwife when she tried and couldn't find one. Despite her telling me there would almost certainly not be anything it was still a not so fun feeling to actually not hear anything. I'm still a couple pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight despite having an appetite back for 2 weeks now and being 12 weeks along. All this to say I had my doubts and concerns.
Yesterday all those went away when we saw our baby! We saw fingers and toes, the spinal cord and umbilical cord. We heard the very strong and fast heartbeat. We saw the baby completely flip over when I coughed. We also got to see some waving and kicking. Now, after many weeks of knowing in my head I was pregnant I actually, really believe it.
Elias wasn't so thrilled with Mommy being on a table while some man messed with her belly button (which just so happens to be his favorite part of me...and everyone else). He was whiny and uncomfortable with all the new stuff.
There are times I look at him and he seems so big. In the past couple days he has decided that he will only eat if he does it 100% by himself, with utensils. When he wants a bottle he walks to the fridge and then takes his bottle and walks to the rocking chair to let me know he is ready to rock. He no longer tolerates being carried from the car to the house unless he is completely exhausted. He wants to put his own dirty dishes on the kitchen counter and throws a fit if we try to help him. At 14 months old he is an iPhone genius. His Grandma taught him to scroll through the pictures which he does brilliantly. Physically, he looks big too...he towers over kids who are older than him, and in many cases says more words than these other kiddos.
Then at other times, like yesterday when he wanted his Mommy to hold him as I was laying on the table for the ultrasound he still seems like my little baby. He stroked/played with my hair as we walked to the car. He does this when he is trying to comfort me. ***Side note: how do I know this? Because sometimes I fake cry so he will come over and play with my hair and give me kisses. I totally suck, I know. It's horrible to deceive a baby, right? But his kisses are SO worth it. They aren't the open mouth baby kisses anymore. Now they are closed lipped, still slobbery big boy kisses but they are just as good.
He's going to be such a great big brother!
Yesterday all those went away when we saw our baby! We saw fingers and toes, the spinal cord and umbilical cord. We heard the very strong and fast heartbeat. We saw the baby completely flip over when I coughed. We also got to see some waving and kicking. Now, after many weeks of knowing in my head I was pregnant I actually, really believe it.Elias wasn't so thrilled with Mommy being on a table while some man messed with her belly button (which just so happens to be his favorite part of me...and everyone else). He was whiny and uncomfortable with all the new stuff.
There are times I look at him and he seems so big. In the past couple days he has decided that he will only eat if he does it 100% by himself, with utensils. When he wants a bottle he walks to the fridge and then takes his bottle and walks to the rocking chair to let me know he is ready to rock. He no longer tolerates being carried from the car to the house unless he is completely exhausted. He wants to put his own dirty dishes on the kitchen counter and throws a fit if we try to help him. At 14 months old he is an iPhone genius. His Grandma taught him to scroll through the pictures which he does brilliantly. Physically, he looks big too...he towers over kids who are older than him, and in many cases says more words than these other kiddos.
Then at other times, like yesterday when he wanted his Mommy to hold him as I was laying on the table for the ultrasound he still seems like my little baby. He stroked/played with my hair as we walked to the car. He does this when he is trying to comfort me. ***Side note: how do I know this? Because sometimes I fake cry so he will come over and play with my hair and give me kisses. I totally suck, I know. It's horrible to deceive a baby, right? But his kisses are SO worth it. They aren't the open mouth baby kisses anymore. Now they are closed lipped, still slobbery big boy kisses but they are just as good.
He's going to be such a great big brother!
Monday, September 28, 2009
8 Months Ago
8 months ago we met a screaming little boy. Our screaming little boy. Being home 8 months with Elias and being pregnant has me reflecting a lot on the concept of family and what it means to be a parent.
I have nothing profound to give you here...just my hormonally charged thoughts. 8 months ago I loved Elias Besufikad. From the moment I met him I felt like his mother. He was my son, no question. On that day I can honestly say I would have given my life for that little baby boy.
Now 8 months later the instinctive, protective mother's love I felt for Elias has grown into something deeper. I am in love with him. Madly in love with him. More than I thought possible for one person's heart to hold. Being a parent is about unconditional love and for the first time in my life I completely, 100% understand unconditional love. As a sinful human my son is bound to disappoint and hurt me at some point in our lives (and vice versa), probably on numerous occassions. Truly, nothing he could do would change the love I have for him. Being a family is about loving others more than you love yourself. There is certainly always room for improvement here but I hope I show my husband and son how much they really mean to me.
When we were considering adoption and talking to other adoptive parents something I heard on more than one occassion was that having both biological and adoptive children is different. The love is not less or more but it is different, your feelings toward the children are different. Now, I certainly would not pass judgement on those who were kind enough to be so incredibly honest with me. I understand that not every parent attaches easily to their children (regardless of biological or adoptive). When I was on the outside of things though these comments did create a genuine concern for me. I worried about what I would do if I felt differently toward our future children.
Now, as a mother the only feeling I have is that of a mother's love. I don't want to over simplify the attachment process or lead people to believe it always just comes as naturally as it did for me. I just know for me, the only small piece of this question and fear left in my head is can I love a second child as much as I do my first? Now if that was a true fear I wouldn't be pregnant now...it's more of a ponderance as I didn't know it was possible to love so much before Elias so how could my heart possibly love even more? I know it will. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my love for my children won't feel different.
8 months later, now more than ever before, I am wholeheartedly convinced that blood has absolutely nothing to do with creating a family. I am so grateful for adoption because without it I wouldn't have my son. A son who could not by any biological means be any more mine than he is right now. I am excited for this pregnancy. I am excited about our next adoption. The bottom line is regardless of the road we take with each child, I am excited about my family!
I have nothing profound to give you here...just my hormonally charged thoughts. 8 months ago I loved Elias Besufikad. From the moment I met him I felt like his mother. He was my son, no question. On that day I can honestly say I would have given my life for that little baby boy.
Now 8 months later the instinctive, protective mother's love I felt for Elias has grown into something deeper. I am in love with him. Madly in love with him. More than I thought possible for one person's heart to hold. Being a parent is about unconditional love and for the first time in my life I completely, 100% understand unconditional love. As a sinful human my son is bound to disappoint and hurt me at some point in our lives (and vice versa), probably on numerous occassions. Truly, nothing he could do would change the love I have for him. Being a family is about loving others more than you love yourself. There is certainly always room for improvement here but I hope I show my husband and son how much they really mean to me.
When we were considering adoption and talking to other adoptive parents something I heard on more than one occassion was that having both biological and adoptive children is different. The love is not less or more but it is different, your feelings toward the children are different. Now, I certainly would not pass judgement on those who were kind enough to be so incredibly honest with me. I understand that not every parent attaches easily to their children (regardless of biological or adoptive). When I was on the outside of things though these comments did create a genuine concern for me. I worried about what I would do if I felt differently toward our future children.
Now, as a mother the only feeling I have is that of a mother's love. I don't want to over simplify the attachment process or lead people to believe it always just comes as naturally as it did for me. I just know for me, the only small piece of this question and fear left in my head is can I love a second child as much as I do my first? Now if that was a true fear I wouldn't be pregnant now...it's more of a ponderance as I didn't know it was possible to love so much before Elias so how could my heart possibly love even more? I know it will. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my love for my children won't feel different.
8 months later, now more than ever before, I am wholeheartedly convinced that blood has absolutely nothing to do with creating a family. I am so grateful for adoption because without it I wouldn't have my son. A son who could not by any biological means be any more mine than he is right now. I am excited for this pregnancy. I am excited about our next adoption. The bottom line is regardless of the road we take with each child, I am excited about my family!
Friday, September 25, 2009
14 Months
So Elias turned 14 months old (earlier this week...I'm a bit behind). He is such a joy. He certainly keeps us busy. Although he is learning new words often, we are starting to hit a wall in our ability to communicate which has led to a sudden increase of whining and temper tantrums - from the baby mostly but sometimes from me too.
At 14 months Elias is all about one thing and one thing only. ELMO. Elmo is spoken of often by Elias. In fact, Elmo is now his clearest word. All things red invoke cries of "Elmo, Elmo" out of this cute little Elmo obsessed boy. His Mimi bought him an Elmo blanket. Elias does a running dive into the Elmo blanket where he collapses into shouts of glee proclaiming his love for Elmo and smothering the furry blanket replica with kisses. He then expects Mimi, Mommy, Papi, Daddy or whoever else is around to also kiss Elmo. A couple days ago at Seaworld his great Aunt Tammy bought him his favorite Elmo yet. Here he is holding Elmo while watching Elmo. Does it get any cuter?
Man, being a kid is exhausting!
Elias has also learned to respond to burps (especially his own) with "grow" (gross). Apparently I tell him burps are gross often enough that he picked up on it.
He has also started to learn the parts of the body. He started to become fascinated with bellys and belly buttons. Elias will walk up to anyone and everyone, lift up their shirt and point to their belly button. When we were in Tahiti his Mimi taught him the word belly button so now if you ask him where his is or where yours is he will show you. He is pretty good with pointing out his nose but the other body parts are still a bit jumbled.
He has 6 teeth which are super cute and make him look so big!
Elias still loves to read. His favorites right now are
He also still loves all things water
Elias is so much fun and we are loving being a part of all he is learning and doing!
At 14 months Elias is all about one thing and one thing only. ELMO. Elmo is spoken of often by Elias. In fact, Elmo is now his clearest word. All things red invoke cries of "Elmo, Elmo" out of this cute little Elmo obsessed boy. His Mimi bought him an Elmo blanket. Elias does a running dive into the Elmo blanket where he collapses into shouts of glee proclaiming his love for Elmo and smothering the furry blanket replica with kisses. He then expects Mimi, Mommy, Papi, Daddy or whoever else is around to also kiss Elmo. A couple days ago at Seaworld his great Aunt Tammy bought him his favorite Elmo yet. Here he is holding Elmo while watching Elmo. Does it get any cuter?
Man, being a kid is exhausting!
Elias has also learned to respond to burps (especially his own) with "grow" (gross). Apparently I tell him burps are gross often enough that he picked up on it.
He has also started to learn the parts of the body. He started to become fascinated with bellys and belly buttons. Elias will walk up to anyone and everyone, lift up their shirt and point to their belly button. When we were in Tahiti his Mimi taught him the word belly button so now if you ask him where his is or where yours is he will show you. He is pretty good with pointing out his nose but the other body parts are still a bit jumbled.
He has 6 teeth which are super cute and make him look so big!
Elias still loves to read. His favorites right now are
He also still loves all things waterElias is so much fun and we are loving being a part of all he is learning and doing!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Great News!
God is so good! We just know Elias is going to be an awesome big brother! We can't wait to welcome "Baby G" into the world sometime on or around April 23rd! We are 10 weeks along. Yes, I've been feeling sick. Nope, no baby bump...although it would be nice because that would mean the nausea would have subsided enough for me to actually eat :) We are so blessed!
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