Brokenness

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalms 51:17

I haven't written the past couple days despite the fact there has been so much going on. I decided to act on the advice, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." It is time though to share what has been happening, express my feelings and let you know of our need for prayer. Last Wednesday Brian spoke to Christy to talk about the changes in the court process. She didn't know the specifics of where our case stood which worried us since others were being given specific court dates and information. We finally connected this Tuesday only to hear that there was information for all the families whose papers had been submitted for a court date and ours was mysteriously missing. After explaining how desperate we were for answers Christy promised she would do some investigating. The possibilities included the following: 1) We had already had a court date, had failed, and our rescheduled court date was not yet known; 2) We had a court date sometime soon (like others who received referrals around the same time we did) but we were accidentally left off the list; 3) Maybe our file had been misplaced and we had not yet been assigned a court date. Surprisingly I faced these possibilities with relative peace, at least for a few hours.

The reality that something bad could have happened really set in on Wednesday. This was coupled with a misunderstanding that maybe we wouldn't be getting pictures (like I said a misunderstanding, which has since been corrected) but the combination was enough to send me into a tailspin. I couldn't stop crying and skipped youth group for fear that well meaning people who love us might ask about the adoption. After sobbing and praying until I couldn't think anymore I dealt with it like most people would. I put on some sweats, took medicine for the pounding headache, and ate a dinner consisting solely of tater tots, jalapeno poppers, starbursts and wine. My face was puffy so I washed off the makeup only to see blemishes that weren't there that morning. I don't know what it is about raging hormones and zits but when my emotions are going berserk that is the last thing I want to see. I forced myself to calm down and watched a cheesy 80s movie with Julia Roberts. It was exactly what I needed. When Brian came home he sat next to me and asked how I was doing. I said, "better." As he got up to go do something else I lost it. My lip started quivering, I had to blink really fast to keep from crying again, and grabbed him begging him not to leave. Geez, the poor guy just wanted off the couch.

Thursday was rougher. I reached a place of complete brokenness. I was angry and sad. As I was driving home I heard over the radio "Just trust God. Forget the fleeting, forget the things you can't control. Just trust in God." And then this song came on and I felt it expressed me so much more than I could express myself.

I’m not alright

I’m broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride

Bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide

With nothing left to cling to

Only you are there to lead me on

Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright

I’m broken inside, broken inside

And all I go through

It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Brokenness before God is not a fun place to be. I found myself crying, praying, listening, and just being - completely humbled by such overwhelming heartache and fear of the unknown. I have certainly learned adoption is not for the faint of heart. I also know that my God will never ask me to do that which is more than I can handle because He will not leave me.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18

Maybe God just knew I needed something to bring me to a point of complete surrender and brokenness of spirit. I won't pretend to know why but what I can cling to is the promise of scripture.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

Today we found out a little information as to what happened to our case. It was not what we wanted to hear.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:19

Although we were told a few times that our paperwork had been submitted to the courts as soon as they opened, the reality of the situation is quite different. Although our file is in order, our son's is not. His paperwork was done incorrectly and has not yet been fixed. What this means is our paperwork has not been submitted to the courts yet and we have not yet been assigned a court date. At this point it is unknown when the corrections will be made as it rests in hands outside of our agency. It is therefore unknown when our paperwork will be submitted. What we do know is the courts are already booked until the end of December. So best case scenario, if the social worker in charge of the corrections gets them done quickly and our paperwork is submitted soon, we are looking at a court date in January and travel late January or February. This best case scenario seems doubtful as it has already been 2 months since our referral that our son's paperwork could have been being corrected. There are also any number of things that could keep us from passing court our first time around.

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. Proverbs 21:30

We love Elias and we want him to be with us so badly. We must also remember that he is God's child first and God loves him more than even we are capable of. Please pray that the corrections would be made soon, that our agency would be diligent in their follow up, that we will be assigned a court date soon, and that we pass the first time around. We know God's timing will be perfect. We are trying to focus on this but find ourselves speculating at what could possibly be God's reason to have this delay happen to us. Unfortunately, peace comes and goes in fleeting moments and brokenness and despair can often cloud our optimism. We are doing what we can to trust but our hearts are so involved; it is hard to have the faith of a child when every human urge is to cry out asking "why?"

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him.' Lamentations 3:22