Bummed!

After a morning of pins and needles we heard the news we were hoping and praying we wouldn't hear. The orignial of the needed document did not arrive in time for the court date and the judge did not accept the faxed copy. My parent's have a rescheduled court date of late January in which the judge needs to see the original document. Estimated travel is now late February. We are all bummed for a number of reasons. First of all we want the boys here! Secondly, my parents were really hoping to see Emily shortly after Christmas. It's hard to tell if she is getting homesick, but we certainly all do miss her and the holidays will be difficult.

Brian and I are trucking along in our wait. We are approaching 3 months since our referral. I used to think counting the numbers waiting to see a face was the hardest part. Not any more. When we got our referral of Elias I felt such relief - like everything we had been waiting for had finally come. That cloud 9 feeling lasted for about a month. Now each day just gets more and more difficult. I struggle with feelings of jealousy and self-pity. I find myself comparing our timeline to that of others. I question, why us? Why did the referrals stop in the summer leaving us right at the top? Why did we have to sit at the emotionally draining #1 spot for so long? Why did tons of referrals happen right after we got ours (meaning we waited way longer than the people who got referrals days after us)? Why did the paperwork issue which put us 2 months "behind" and "sometimes just happens," happen to us? Why does no one else in our agency have a court date as late as ours? Why? Why? Why?

When I spend time in the "why me" place I feel beat up. Each blog I read or court date I see feels like a slap in the face. I have found I really hate the self-pitying, jealous version of myself (so no need to lecture me...really). I feel guilty feeling this way when I think of others who have had more trying circumstances within their adoption, like Shannon, or a longer wait from referral to travel, like Leann. My blog is an outlet and a place of reflection, unfortunately, sometimes the reflection shows an ugly heart full of jealousy and anger. One thing I have not learned is patience. You may hear me say "all in God's timing." I believe that. I believe that God has the perfect reason and answers to all of my "why" questions. I am not patient though. My little boy is in Ethiopia. He's getting bigger without me, being loved on by people other than me, learning to get by without me. Truth is, I am waiting because I have no other choice NOT because I am a wonderfully mature Christian who truly desires nothing more than God's perfect timing. I do want God's perfect timing. In my selfish desire to have my son with me, I also wish God did things my way in my time.

We don't always get answers to our "why" questions. Sometimes though God gives us answers even though he doesn't owe them to us. Throughout this adoption I have already had the priviledge of having some of my "whys" answered. When we started the process I prayed very specifically for a referral by my birthday (June 11th), court by Brian's birthday (July 29th) and travel by our anniversary (August 14th). For the first 5 months that timeline seemed perfectly reasonable. When my birthday, then Brian's birthday, then our anniversary passed and still no referral I wondered why. When we got that call on September 15th, God answered my question even though my lack of faith did not deserve an answer. Elias was born on July 22nd and I am the one God has chosen to be his Mom. Although I don't know if I will ever see the rest of the divine plan in our timeline, I am confident there is one. Faith - being confident of something you cannot see. I've sort of coined a little motto. My personal adoption motto so to speak. It isn't the wisest thing you have ever heard but it is my way of combating the jealousy and frustration while allowing myself to validate my feelings yet remain hopeful and confident. Life isn't fair but God is sovereign.

Although we can't see God's reason for my parents not passing court we remain confident that God is sovereign and His perfect plan will succeed. Although we don't know why our adoption has panned out step by step as it has, we remain confident that God is sovereign and His perfect plan will succeed. 11 months! We are ready Lord! Right now, faith is all we have.